Advent.

Warning: this a long post but it's also a post that covers Religion, a place to which I actually vow not to go in casual conversation/at the dinner table/at any table/with strangers/with family/on my blog but this has been weighing on my little heart these days.

Advent began last Sunday. You can read more about it here. I've never been a strict Catholic but have always had an Advent calender; the yummy ones that pop out chocolates for each day. Those count the season as beginning on December 1st but it's the fourth Sunday leading up to December 25th that heralds this time.
Growing up I always looked forward to the Christmas season. We celebrate in our family much the way I assume many other American families do and I loved our traditions. 

Having been a faithful patron of parochial school I was {and remain} definitely aware of the true meaning and history of this time of year though the religious aspect wasn't emphasized in our home; we enjoyed a day of gifts, eating and family that happens to begin with mass. In my dumbed down knowledge, I know that Easter is actually much holier {right?} but la navidad has turned quite secular and thus {in my opinion} gained in popularity over the decades while the Paschal Mystery has it's rabbit and eggs but remains a fairly religious holiday; again, please don't hold me to this, religion wasn't my best subject growing up and this is just kind of how I see it. To sum it up, Christmas has become very cultural and less focused on the Catholic/Christian themes than in the past.
Anyway, this year I've been having some major issues. I've felt like a true Scrooge.
Or Grinch. 

Don't worry, dear reader, mine heart remains the size it's always been.

A Grinchette, actually, since I'm a lady.
I think it began with the decorated xmas tree in the window of a home with gravestones decorating the front lawn on October 30th. 

Remember this?

Why even have Thanksgiving when there's such a hurry to decorate for the next big thing?
I started to develop hard feelings towards Christmas. If we're not Very Religious Folk why do we celebrate this day? Why are gifts exchanged? Why such focus on red and green and Santa Claus and cheaply made home decor {not that I haven't bought some myself...} and the constant urge to spend, spend, SPEND? But why are we spending so much? Why are we BUYING so much? What is it that we feel we are lacking and that others are lacking so that said void needs to be filled?
I ranted to Mike. I'm not eloquent by any means so it didn't go over well. He made a few good points and asked quality questions of me and then I felt indignant at being unable to fully and well express my angsty emotions.
If we're going to make such a fuss, I'd like it to be for something that I can get behind all year long and not just for six weeks. It's not as though I'm saying sayonara to the Church but I don't celebrate the other Catholic holy/holidays which much vigor so why should Christmas get all the attention? Easter is more symbolic anyway. 
So, I've been feeling like a sham. I try and be a good person and live the Golden Rule and be respectful and I am a confirmed member of the Catholic Church but if I don't throw out all the stops for All Souls Day or Three Kings Day or Palm Sunday {though I do know that what they signify is quite a bit different from Christmas...} then why should I now? What about this day has garnered such fuss? 
Then I decided that our future children will celebrate solstice rather than Christmas. The Mister told me that our children might not like being left out of the big deal celebration and that a solstice tree with a maximum of two "winter" gifts is just not that exciting.
I held my ground.
For about a day.
I lost my resolve because I got hit with a maybe-not-so-random memory in the middle of the work day {does that ever happen to you?}. I grew up living with my dear dad. Before my step-mom came to be with us it was us two; a man and a little girl. On Christmas I would wake up and run to our family room. It was/is a Victorian era home that has those doors that are tucked into the wall and then pull out to divide two rooms {pocket doors, fyi} and he would {and still does} close them before the gift laden Christmas tree panorama could be revealed to my delight. Being a guy, though, my pops didn't wrap gifts; his wife took on that role. When I was finally allowed to go open the doors I would be greeted with the sight of new dresses hung on the mantle {he would buy me dresses; so cute!!!} and toys draped everywhere. I got super nostalgic and felt like a total horse's bee-hind for being so crabby. I decided that this time of year is for family. I don't want to sound greeting card-esque but I thought about how thrilled my dad was to see me so excited. He loved that and hasn't yet lost this delight at his children finding joy and happiness.

Hopefully it's because I don't yet have kiddos but I think that I have lost that joy.
I love family. I am enamored of the idea of community and gathering and giving thanks. I want to be present and aware of these things, of this joy and I'm going to make Advent that time.
I'd like to return to the me who was unfazed by commercialism. Again, I sure do love me some Target time but the manner in which holidays, not just December's major day mind you, have been boiled down to certain images, colors, decorations and foods has prompted me to become bitter about what I perceive as the loss of awareness; why are days commemorated? Why do people come together other than for communal gorging?
To help me get to this place, I bought {hoooooooow ironic...I know} what I hope to be a first of many. Our first kids' book.

We don't have little ones now but they will one day benefit from what I'd like to begin to begin collecting {as if we need more stuff}. I love literature for little ones. It makes my heart sing to see important and poignant life lessons brought down to a level a three-year-old might understand. Also, as an extremely dedicated reader myself {then, now, forever...}, books of all sorts have always been Very Meaningful to me.
The movie was always one of my December staples, that and "A Muppet Family Christmas" {1987}. In my eccentric quest to return to a simpler time and to remain dedicated to paper books {though an e-reader would be helpful on long trips...}, I chose the book format of "How The Grinch Stole Christmas!" {thank you Dr. Seuss for that exclamation point; you were a man after my own hear!
I'm hoping that this book can help me to remember what I enjoyed as a wee one and give me a little something to keep in my heart not just for the next 24 days but for the entire year.

I want to remember that what is worth celebrating and honoring is what is timeless and intangible; togetherness, community, family, amistad.
I also stopped at the library on the way home tonight. I've seen some bloggers do a different children's Christmas/Holiday book a day for their Advent dedication; I'm not going to buy 24 hardcovers this year. I did, however, borrow a few as well as some good seasonal cds and am looking forward to remembering and giving thanks. I'm going to forgo regularly scheduled blogging for more introspective writing...though nowhere near anything as long as this behemoth of a post so please don't write me off just yet {ha! No pun intended...seriously!} or just posting/reviewing the various child's holiday literature available. I'll ideally find myself at a place where I am able to put on my blinders, not worry about what the rest of humanity is concerning itself with and just carve the roast beast with a genuine smile on my face.

Or at least eat the dang thing.
Anyway, I have a hunch that I might just be over analyzing everything. I do honestly enjoy this time of year. I really am not a scrooge! I participate in the Secret Santa at work. I give gifts. I sometimes often love the kitsch of it all. The Nutcracker is maybe my all time FAVORITE thing to see on stage {I ♥ the Russian Dancers with an unyielding passion, btw}. I think it's just high-time for me to complicate my own thinking a bit {to borrow a phrase tossed around at my work place} as far as the decisions I/we make and the values I/we hold. It has to happen, though, and I don't want to forget it so here I type. Today is my Advent.
I do apologize for getting a bit deep. If you're still here, you're a trooper. What speaks to you {figuratively, of course} this time of year? How do you acknowledge and celebrate the dark days of Winter? What brings to mind warm thoughts?
xoxo, natty ♥
PS
I've blogged everyday for six months; woot!