Ruminations.

This is what I attempted to write in the car on the way home last night and this is what made me car sick. I should' have known better but it was night and dark out so I thought I could be "ok"; I was wrond woh woh. Anyway, this is a brief thought that's been bouncing around in my head for a bit.
Nice. Critical. I can be both. I've never heard anyone describe me as the latter, which is a good thing, I guess. Perhaps the critical is merely a self description. As a teacher it's my job to correct mistakes in writing and speaking and I sometimes worry that I can be too aware of errors I see and that's when I start to wonder if I"m too critical. If it weren't part of my job then maybe I wouldn't be worrying about it. What also bothers me is that feel as though I'm too critical in my real life. I may not express this criticism, so it's mostly in my head which is probably why I"m hyper aware of this part of my personality. Some people might call this trait by another name, a name with more positive connotations such as "detail-oriented" or "thorough", so I suppose it might all be in the spin. Why am I even writing about this? In my self-induced frenzy of thinking I'm overly critical I want to try and be nicer.
I was running a few days ago and passed many people in my run. Usually when I pass someone I look down or away, I might give a small smile but not a direct look. I think that as young girls we're urged to not make eye contact with strangers, especially men, and this must have carried through to being an adult. It's not as though I run in a place where I feel unsafe, I'm generally on city streets with many people and cars around in our familiar neighborhood. Maybe I don't want to extend myself because it's too involved and it's easier to focus on myself and continue on my way not thinking about or worrying about anyone else. If I were to "get involved", even though it's just a glance and a smile, I'd have to get involved with everyone I run past. I would be overwhelmed with all of the people around me, I couldn't focus all of my attention and energies on myself, I wouldn't be able to be entirely selfish. I could also be worried to be vulnerable. When I break that mask of the serious young woman, I've let a wall down, I'm more available. What happens if I'm rejected? If someone doesn't smile back or even look back? Will someone think less of me, that I'm not as "cool" as I'm trying to look? Now that it's written out for the whole world to see, not a dang thing would happen in those situations. I would keep going and probably that other person would soon forget about me and vice-versa; life would go on. So what do I have to lose?
On this day earlier this week (or was it last week already?!), though, I smiled more directly at a few people; it felt great! The person smiled back and we both went on our way. I didn't make a life-long committment to any person or persons, I didn't lose my concentration or my focus and I wasn't bogged down by "all the people" out there. I actually felt good, not an instant spike in energy or something like that, but buoyed a bit and it took no extra energy; I put myself "out-there" and benefited from it. What I thought about during the rest of that run was how I'd like to be nice, less critical (especially of myself), more often. Even just "little things" like putting the grocery cart back to where it belongs instead of just propped up on a curb in the parking lot fall into my idea of being nicer. Conversely, if I'm not as nice as I wish to be at times (hey, it happens), I don't want to beat up myself, I want to let it go and accept that I can't be perfect all the time.
If you're still reading- thanks! This was longer and heavier than usual (and not as well written or organized as I'd like, but that's not new), but something I'd been thinking of and want to remember later down the line.
On a lighter note here are two pictures to end the post and evening.
On another run this week I ran past this sign and literally did a double take.

We thought this was HILARIOUS but thought we'd do a google image search for "possum" to see if either of these two pictures show up and sure enough, there they were, so, there's a prankster out in the neighborhood. Cat/possum jokester: we dig your sense of humor.

Like I said, we were in the city last night for a fundraiser for this new organization.
It was chillllllly since we were right on the bay, but it was fun and beautiful.

That's all for now, happy weekend y'all :)
xoxo, natty ♥